so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
