Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
