the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize