DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
