so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize