I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
