The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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