dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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