you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
