i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
