my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
