Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
