My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
i now understand why vodka
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
