You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
