the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
