There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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