You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
