It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
drinking out of a sandbucket again
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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