New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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