I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
