Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
