In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
