I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
