I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Everyone says I win the strip club
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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