They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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