So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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