I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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