My liver just broke up with me...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm getting married
To pizza
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
