You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
