Don't make out with my wife yet
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
