I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
