when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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