yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize