I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
nutella sex= disaster
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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