I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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