After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
