ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
