That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Lo siento on account of my penis...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
