He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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