That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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