I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
