i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
