Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
