Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
