Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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