Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
