he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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