I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
