I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
