if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
