I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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