If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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