if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
