Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
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