i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
