he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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