Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
