when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
