fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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