Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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